Stalker Claus
by StarFixation
Summary: This year Santa Claus has a proposition for Mihashi...
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey y'all this is my Christmas present to the lot of you who actually read anything in this fandom.**_

_**I got the idea after having an awkward class discussion with my teacher Pikachu (her actual nickname). **_

_**A/N: Rin is an OC from some of my other fics, and in this one he's Mihashi's twin brother.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing, but the idea that Santa Claus is a dirty old man.**_

* * *

**_Stalker Claus_**

It was in the clubhouse that Ren Mihashi's Christmas became a living hell.

"Y'know Santa Claus is a stalker, right?" Tajima said nonchalantly.

Normally everyone ignored the random shit that Tajima had to say, but with the fact that Christmas was only one day away and it was something really weird everyone decide to actually react.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Hanai demanded, slapping the cleanup upside the head. "Santa Claus isn't even…"

He paused when he saw Mihashi puttering by in the corner. It was a well known fact that Mihashi still believed in Santa Claus, and for reasons unknown Abe had declared that no one shatter his childlike belief in the jolly old elf.

"What makes you say that Tajima?" Izumi sighed; he knew that if no one asked Tajima would just tell them anyway.

"Well, he does see you when you're sleeping," Tajima began

"A-and knows when you're awake!" Mihashi squeaked.

"He knows if you've been bad or good!" Sakaeguchi gasped.

"So be good for goodness sakes!" Nishihiro sputtered.

Yeah you can see where it went after that.

(Brief Songfic moment!)

Hanai: _Oh_ _you better watch out_

Oki: Y_ou better not cry_

Suyama: _You better not pout, I'm telling you why!_

Mizutani and Tajima: _Santa Claus is coming to town!_

(Brief Songfic moment end)

At that moment Abe walked into the clubhouse to see his team singing Santa Claus is coming to Town and Mihashi curled up in a corner.

"What the hell is going on here?" he bellowed.

The revelry stopped as if a record had been stopped.

"I leave you for less than five minute and you all start singing, and Mihashi is curled up in a corner!!!!" He shouted, obviously wanting an explanation.

Whether it was bravery or stupidity that made Tajima step forward we'll never know, but he did nonetheless.

"Well, I was telling everyone how Santa Claus is a stalker and-" he was interrupted by a snowball to the face from outside the clubhouse.

Abe looked over his shoulder to see Rin.

"I came for my brother," he sighed taking his simpering twin by the hand. Rin didn't give anyone the chance to calm the pitcher down while he dragged his brother out to their mother's car.

***

It was eleven thirty that night when Abe's cell phone started ringing. Through misty eyes he saw that it said Mihashi and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Taka-chan what did you people do to my brother?" Rin demanded over the line.

Abe sighed, for some reason this felt oddly familiar (**_A/N: I'm terrible for gratuitously citing my past fics_**)

"What do you mean?" he mumbled as he stretched himself into awareness.

"Renren," Abe flinched at the mention of Mihashi's nickname. "Won't go to sleep and he keeps mumbling something about Santa Claus being a stalker."

"Oh shit," Abe grumbled. "It was something Tajima said today at practice…"

"Well you had better get your ass over here and fix it!" Rin ordered.

"Why me?"

"He listens to you," Rin admitted. "And I'm not having my Christmas ruined because Tajima tells him that Santa Claus isn't a stalker, but the elves are ninjas that want to steal his soul or something like that…"

"Nin-ninjas?" a voice squeaked on the other end.

"No Renren, I was joking, the elves aren't ninjas who want to steal your soul!" he hissed at his twin then to Abe. "Get over here quick."

With that Rin hung up to leave the catcher in a dazed state that he could have sworn had happened once before (**_A/N more shameless citations!_**)

***

After sneaking out of his house with stealth that he did not have he arrived at the Mihashi residence unsure of how to get in.

"Abe get in here!" Rin hissed from above.

Abe looked up to see Rin hanging out of a window beckoning him to come in. Abe didn't have to climb up that high so he got into the window swiftly. They were in Rin's room, which no one was allowed into when they had come for Mihashi's birthday.

"You can survey my room later, get to work!" Rin barked pointing to his sobbing brother in the corner.

"S-Santa stalks me…" Mihashi chanted. "Stalkers… killing… watching…"

"What did he say?" Abe asked.

"Hell, if I know"

"He's your brother!"

"Stop stalling!"

Abe moved with a touch of trepidation. He felt that everyone gave him too much credit when it came to the handling of Mihashi, in fact he thought that Sakaeguchi or Tajima were so much better for the job.

"Ren-kun?" Abe said slowly, using his pitcher's given name would help. Mihashi twitched.

"A-Abe-kun wha-what… here… you?" he murmured. Abe assumed that it was his way of asking why he was there and he told him rather bluntly that Santa Claus wasn't a stalker.

"B-but Tajima-kun said…"

"Yeah, and Tajima also said that if you mix coke and Pepsi your brain would explode," Abe sighed. "Did it?"

Mihashi shook his head.

"And when he said that if you swallowed a watermelon seed they'd grow out of your ears," Abe continued. "Did they?"

Mihashi shook his head again.

"Or when he said that I was an evil vampire who wanted to drink your blood (**_A/N: Yes, I'm still very shameless_**)," Abe finished. "Was he right?"

Mihashi shook his head once more.

"So why would he be right now?" Abe smiled, ruffling his pitchers hair. "And about Santa Claus of all things?"

Mihashi wiped his tears away with his arm, and nodded.

"Abe-kun is so smart!" he murmured. "Probably thinks I'm a baby for crying about this…"

"I don't think you're a baby," Abe lied. Hr felt bad for lying, but it was a necessary evil. He got up to go when he felt a tug at his pant leg.

"W-would you st-stay here tonight?" Mihashi sputtered. Abe sighed inwardly and agreed. It was going to be a long night.

***

Far off in the North Pole Santa Claus was hunched over his crystal snowball with a pad and paper. He was scribbling furiously the events that were taking place in the Mihashi residence.

"Oh C'mon why don't they just make out already?" he mumbled.

Abe was right, Santa Claus wasn't a stalker, and he was a pervert.

* * *

**_I know that this was a bit odd, but hey It's Christmas. _**

**_Review as a present to me, and I'll teach you how to evade Santa's naughty gaze_**


	2. The Yaoi Compact

**_I thought it would be for the best that my first upadate since August be this since I _**have**_ been working on it all year, not that you'l be able to tell._**

**_Disclaimer: I own fricken' nothing other than Rin_**

**_Enjoy and have a Merry Christmas and none od that Happy holidays BS!_**

* * *

Stalker Claus 2: The Yaoi Compact

Ren Mihashi closed his eyes as a pair of lips descended upon his. He couldn't help but wonder what kind of god he had upset or what he had done in a past life to be forced to do something like this.

It had started the week before when he and Rin were at the mall. Mihashi wanted to go see Santa now that he knew that the old man was not, in fact, a stalker that wanted to kill or harm him in any way. The pitcher chuckled, amazed that he had actually let himself believe something so ridiculous like that. If it weren't for Abe he probably would have stayed up the entire night cowering in fear for something that would never happen.

_Abe didn't have to do it though. He could have just stayed home_, Mihashi realized.

"Ren, I hope you realize that we're the oldest ones here," Rin groaned.

Mihashi didn't care though, he was going to tell Santa exactly what he wanted for Christmas, and maybe Abe-kun would…

"NEXT!" one of the elves boomed, pointing at Mihashi and Rin.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go eat something…" Rin muttered as he left his brother to the fat man and his similarly clad little helpers.

The elf, which was surprisingly strong for his small stature, hefted up Mihashi and placed him on Santa Claus' lap who laughed with a hearty "HO, HO, HO!"

Oddly enough that made Mihashi think of a song, but he quickly squashed that idea because he was sitting in the very presence of Santa Claus! Well not exactly, but it was still pretty good.

"And what do you want for Christmas little boy?" Santa asked.

Mihashi blushed, "I know you aren't the real Santa, but the next time you see him can you tell him I want–"

Santa interrupted, "But Mihashi-kun, who says that I'm not the real Santa Claus?"

"Rin did," Mihashi replied not realizing that he hadn't told this man his name. "He said that th-th-the real Santa doesn't have t-t-time to…"

"Oh but I do Ren-kun," Santa chuckled. "And here I am."

Mihashi was awestruck, "R-r-really?"

"Yes Ren-kun and I know exactly what you want but…" Santa trailed off.

"Yes Santa?"

"I've been watching you very closely this year and I was surprised that your relationship with young Takaya hasn't progressed any further,' Santa explained.

It took Mihashi a moment to realize by "Takaya" Santa had meant Abe-kun. From his perspective their relationship _had_ in fact progressed. He was a lot less afraid of Abe-kun and could speak more coherently around him and their battery was thicker than thieves in a thicket.

Santa saw his confusion, "I mean romantically Ren-kun."

"B-b-b-but I don't…"

"Especially after last Christmas I definitely thought the two of you would be getting together or at least make out in the corner but noooo…" Santa Claus ranted.

Mihashi's eyes widened in shock. Did that mean that Tajima-kun had been right last year when he had said that Santa Claus was a stalker?

"If you can get to first or second base with Takaya I'll give you what you want for Christmas," Santa said. "But if you don't I will make sure you never get any presents for the rest of your life!"

Mihashi gasped in surprise, "St-st-st-stalker! P-p-p-pedophile!"

He bounded away from the jolly old elf's lap.

"You can't escape the yaoi compact, Ren-kun!"

* * *

Instead of telling Rin for fear of not being believed Mihashi weighed his options. He could make out with Abe-kun or never get presents again, but he didn't like Abe-kun like that. If he wanted to do as Santa had ordered wouldn't that require for Abe-kun to like him in _that_ way? Santa said that he'd make sure Mihashi never got any presents for the rest of his life, but did he mean just for Christmas, or for all occasions? Mihashi didn't want to take that chance, but had no idea of what to do.

Maybe he could trick Abe-kun into it? Maybe he could- what was the word?- seduce Abe-kun and then… but that had no chance of working since Mihashi was about as sexy as a panda bear that refused to procreate. Unfortunately he had no other ideas, so Mihashi snuck into his parent's room and left with a few copies of his mother's books with characters that could definitely teach him how to be sexy.

For the next few days Abe noticed that his pitcher was acting very strangely. It wasn't that Mihashi didn't act strangely every day, but that strangeness had become normal for him. The things he was doing were so odd that he would have sworn that Mihashi was trying to… well… seduce him.

First he kept catching Mihashi staring at him with bedroom eyes, or at least his version of the sexy stare that supposedly could make anyone want to rip off their clothes and scream at the top of their lungs at the stare-er "take me now I'm yours!" however, Mihashi's version of the look was a spastic kind of winking and moving his shoulder in a come hither manner. It looked sad and pathetic.

Second whenever he and Mihashi were close together he would feel the pitcher's hands wandering where they definitely had no business. He had been groped on his rear end seventeen times and his private parts three times. Mihashi would have tried it more, but one swift glare put a stop to that.

Thirdly Mihashi had invited him over his house one evening and when Abe walked into the living room to find his pitcher sitting on the table in a suggestive position wearing nothing but whipped cream and cherries placed carefully over certain parts of his anatomy.

This was the last straw.

"Mihashi, what the heck is wrong with you?" Abe demanded after Mihashi had out some clothes on.

"W-w-well… I …. Umm… you see…" Mihashi sputtered.

"SPIT IT OUT!" Abe ordered.

Without stammering or stuttering Mihashi quickly explained what had happened with Santa Claus and what he had to do or forfeit all Christmas presents and how he obviously failed in seducing Abe because he was as sexy as a bowl of frozen vanilla pudding and since it was Christmas eve and he had no time left he wasn't going to fulfill the yaoi compact.

"a-and that's it." Mihashi muttered embarrassedly.

Abe shook his head, "suppose that I actually believe that Santa Claus ordered you to make out with me, why didn't you just ask?"

Mihashi's jaw dropped, why hadn't he thought of that?

"S-s-so you'll do it?" he squeaked.

"Yeah sure," Abe sighed, taking a step closer to Mihashi and embracing him.

Mihashi closed his eyes as a pair of lips descended upon his. He couldn't help but wonder what kind of god he had upset or what he had done in a past life to be forced to do something like this. He prayed that Abe-kun wouldn't think less of him for asking him to do this, but just before the kiss could exactly take place there was a thump from the chimney.

"MOE!" a voice screamed as it tumbled out of the fireplace and right in front of the two.

Abe's eyes widened in shock as he realized who the old fat man with a bloody nose sprawled in front of them was.

"You're Santa Claus!"

"Well, yes, now go back to what you were doing and I'll be over here recording it for my personal files…" the fat man muttered.

"HELL NO!" Abe roared, poking his finger into Santa Claus' chest. "You're required to give anyone that behaves what they want for Christmas and he" Abe jabbed a finger towards Mihashi. "Has been extremely well behaved hasn't he?"

Santa Claus nodded, "well yes but I just…"

"No buts old man, now deliver and never ask Mihashi to do something like this again!" Abe ordered. "He tried to seduce me and we both know that he's as sexy as a jelly donut!"

Mihashi tried his best not to be offended.

"Fine," Santa muttered, opening his bag and pulling out a catcher's mitt and handing it to Abe. "Merry Christmas."

And with that Santa was gone, but Abe was still holding what was supposedly Mihashi's Christmas present that seemed to be addressed to him.

"Mihashi, I think that old bastard screwed up," Abe muttered.

"n-no I remember Abe-kun saying how much he wanted a new mitt so…" Mihashi trialed off.

"You mean to tell me you went through all of this for a present for me?" Abe asked.

Mihashi nodded.

"A present you could have probably just bought?"

Mihashi nodded again.

Abe took a deep breath and counted to three, "thanks a lot you idiot."

* * *

Far away staring into his crystal ball was Santa Claus.

"Yup, this year they'll get together for sure, over" the old man chuckled into a walkie-talkie.

"I can't wait, over!" a distinctly female voice replied. "Now you had better get going dear or you won't finish in time."

"Yes, dear," Santa guffawed as he rode off into the night.


End file.
